ennui

Boredom broke into our house again. Great. I have too much time in my hands and the rain’s getting me into a slump…so I guess that leaves me here trapped inside my muddled, dusty room.

I've looked ennui in the face, I have slept with it and lived with it from time to time. It has been an unwelcome companion during the bleak, dry, and lazy days. Sometimes, we would spend the whole afternoon sprawled on the floor staring at the ceiling, observing spider man as he weaves his own condo unit.. And I thought, maybe I should start making my own web. Then again, I remembered I've already made one out of my room& and a jungle out of it just the same. At times, we'd raid the shelves and feast our eyes on the thick, ancient, dust-covered books we can't quite comprehend. With tired eyes and an overused brain, we'd doze off. But the most usual ritual we go through is this-- sitting in front of the pc, looking at the blasted mouse cursor which incidentally is blinking at me at the moment, like screaming to my face "TYPE!" &and I would only come up with some lousy piece such as this. Yes, it's one of those days. I'm so bummed out.

karma.

"What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
It's called Karma baby.
And it goes around."

i just wanna sing till the rain stops.

heehee.

new beginnings and bitter endings

New beginning.

I had my hair cut 3 times in 1 week.

It takes some getting used to, for instance, every morning I must remind myself not to use too much shampoo… I also get to wake up 30 minutes later than usual, because I need not spend much time getting my hair to dry up. No more bad hair days, because with this do, my hair can look all messy and I’d still get away with it.

Anyway… Last Friday, IP celebrated its 1st year anniversary. Had a so-so celebration at the 16th floor. I arrived halfway through the program, just in time for the awards to be given out. Would u believe I got an award? I won the Best Dressed RO award. Heehee.

It’s nice to see some old faces… I mean old pals… had a lot of catching up. So right after the party, we went somewhere in Shangri la to sit down, drink a couple bottles of booze, listen to some band, and watch some very very OLD people go crazy on the floor.

***
Bitter ending.

I discovered something last night… so now I tell myself this: NEVER ASSUME. Because once you’ve learned your assumptions were false, it could crack your heart wide open.

Once I thought I was the sun,
with all the planets revolving around me...
truth is I’m just a tiny dot in universe’s canvas.

sighs.

god bless our cracked hearts

Last night I met a man who put a tiny crack in my heart.

On our way to dinner, I saw him. He was a frail old man who could barely walk… the little steps that he took that night seemed to be his last. He clutched his stomach tightly like he was clinging on to dear life. When I looked at his face, I saw pain in his shut eyes. It was picture that would put a million cracks in your heart, and it was too much for my friends and me to ignore.

We approached him and asked if he was ok, obviously he wasn’t. We learned that he just lost his wife and he was there to borrow money from the men he worked with in a construction. He needed a thousand bucks to claim his wife’s body but nobody was able to loan him some money. Maybe you’d think he was one of those crooks who’d make up “pity-me-stories” to solicit money, but the old man never asked anything from us. He even excused himself and told us he wanted to go home. With tearful eyes, he walked away wordlessly. We stood there paralyzed by sympathy and grief. A few steps away we saw him collapse on the steps. We had to do something, so we walked up to him. We learned that he hasn’t gotten a meal that day and he suffered from ulcer, so we invited him to go to dinner with us but he refused. Conveniently, my friend had some cookies and crackers stocked in her bag, so we almost forced him to take a bite. I went to starbucks where I bought him frappuccino (nah… just kidding) where I got him a cup of water. He was teary eyed when we bid him good bye, and he thanked us and asked God to bless our hearts…

God bless our cracked hearts.

For a long time, my life has been an endless search for parties, buffets, and overflowing booze. I believe that life is too short and I live by the code: eat, drink, and be merry. For the longest time, I have been oblivious. But last night, reality bit me… life isn’t always beautiful…at least, not until we make it.

Where is the beauty in losing a wife, to not be able to take her home and finally put her to rest? …Is there beauty on an empty stomach or to have nothing to feed your brood? Last night, I learned that beauty is in the ears of the people who know how to listen. It is in the eyes of people who just don’t look, but really see. Beauty is not just the feeling of sympathy…it’s doing something about it.

That man could’ve been my dad, he could’ve been yours. It could’ve been me or it could’ve been you. If ever that time would come, I hope I’d meet somebody who would make me see that life is still beautiful despite its drawbacks and pitfalls.

shushed

There are times when we meet the person we feel will make us happy for the rest of our lives. The person whom we hope will be "the one right for us". The one we call "the one". That person may be our classmate, an officemate, someone we just met in a bus stop, a friend or our own best friend.

They bring smile to our faces, add color to our world. They make us complete. They make us whole. They let us experience the greatest feeling of all - love.

But they do not know...
-unknown


Loving in silence is hard, but I learned that losing that person is even harder. It’s secretly giving him a part of yourself, so when he goes, he takes it away with him without even knowing… and that part of you in him remains unseen and unfelt.

i am the sun, the rain, the moon

"how are you?"

you need not ask. words fail me.

just look up the sky. does the sun hover above the firmament immaculately? or does it hide behind the clouds? inside, i feel like the sun. gleaming and bursting with life... sometimes burning madly, all geared up to set anything that comes it way ablaze.

once in a while, when my tear ducts run dry, the heavens weep for me. It howls with fury freeing rage and my bottled up emotions... or it softly weeps at night, crying the world to sleep.

i can also be the moon in its luminous glory. calm and incandescent amid the obscurity of the night... or as shy as the new moon, absent on a star-filled sky....

sky high

Warren Peace: To let true love remain unspoken is the quickest route to a heavy heart.

Layla: Wow, that is really deep!

Warren Peace: [reading off of a fortune cookie] And your lucky numbers are...


tell me, where do i find a guy like this?
oh where oh where oh where...

up up and away...

sighs.

just saw SKY HIGH with raf... i wonder if i have that hero potential in me?... nah. i'm never gonna wear tights.

flashes

When you die, they say
Your life flashes before you
Like an old film.

Some moments stand out,
Though forgotten and unexpected.
It flashes before you, all at once.

For me, it is the innocence of my baby nephew
His laughter, and the way he pouts at me
When I tell him “nguso baboy”.

It is the warmth of my mother's touch,
And the way she puts up with me
When I’m having PMS.

It is the smile on a stranger's face,
Or a nod greeting me hello
When I run into them on my way to work.

It is the familiar faces of my friends
As we share a funny story,
Or when we grumble about life.

It is a classic basketball game,
Where my favorite team wins
By a point in double overtime.

It is catching my favorite song on the radio,
When I play the guitar,
Or when I hit the right tune.

It is playing with my dogs,
The way they lick my face or wag their tails
When I get home from work.

It is the soft hand
That held mine
During the cold and lonely hours.

It is my wearing my dancing shoes,
As I remember the nameless crowd
That cheered for me.

It is the sunbeam that burns my sleepy eyes
As my eyelids wrestle again
At the start of a new day.

Perhaps, all these,
Will flash before me when I die
Like rain, it will flow through me.

And at that time,
I wish to be able to grasp and appreciate
the flashes of beauty I've experienced in this world
All at once.

© okemonster