... ho hum ...

With too much misery in the world right now, I feel there's no more room for my own…

The world is going crazy right before my eyes…. I don’t know if there’s some cosmic explanation. Perhaps some asteroid is shifting into retrograde motion...or maybe it's Uranus uniting with the moon…I don’t know why but dark clouds are hovering over most people’s faces the past few days…. & it’s weighing me down.

I feel so tired. Everything’s a drag. I had such a long day, and it feels it’s gonna be a long week. Darn.

star.

once,
i loved a star.
a star
so vivid in the obscurity of the night,
so brilliant amongst the other luminaries
strewn across the sky.
yet it was too remote
that i could only admire it from a distance
here on the ground, looking up.

© okemonster

galera 05

They say a picture paints a thousand words… I say it captures moments even a thousand words could never define. I just finished browsing through the gazillion photos of last week’s trip to the beach.

It has been a while since I last welcomed the warmth of the sun kissing my face...

Or felt the fine grains of sand beneath my toes…

Been a while since I last enjoyed a beautiful yet fleeting sunset….

Or caught a couple of shooting stars…

It has been a while since I last danced like a dervish… or laughed like a witch (oh c'mon! i beg to disagree)…

And got so wasted, it only took a couple of seconds to get behind the curtain of dreams.

It has been a while since i last had a smile that goes from one ear to the other.

It's been a while since I’ve felt this blissful….

So happy, that I didn’t wanna go back.

But all good things must come to an end…

but i can't wait for it to begin again. : )

happiness

What is happiness? Is it having a peace of mind… the feeling of contentment… or simply falling in love? Happiness is a profound emotion all of us have felt some time in our lives. It is difficult to put into words. Some people say it is seeing the world through a child's eyes. A child appreciates things the way they are, no matter how trivial they seem to be. When one is happy, a person can go on saying, “I have nothing more to wish for."

Finding true happiness is not easy. It is often elusive to those pursuing it. In being happy one is bound to feel lonesomeness. As Kahlil Gibran would put it, "the deeper the sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Happiness is the time I spend with my friends over caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol. It is driving around with my brother in the wee hours of the morning. It is lying down beside mom at the end of the day telling her how my day went. It is a stolen glance… an 8 hour sleep… a satisfying meal… catching up with an old friend... a hug from my nephew... and a call from my sister...

I believe that happiness comes in small packages...and when u least expect it. If u would just open your heart, you’ll see that happiness is everywhere.

vanity

straighten your hair,
color your eyes,
flush your cheeks and try to look nice.
put on your shoes,
wear your best dress,
spray on a scent,
and be not a mess.

vanity calls.

© okemonster

somwhere between a smile and a frown

People smile for different reasons. A smile of sheer joy… a smile of appreciation… a smile for approval… a clueless smile (this is when everybody is laughing and u have no idea why so u smile with them anyway)…and sometimes, a fake smile to mask sadness or disappointment.

Last night, I went out with my friends (the newly formed ‘Lonely Heart’s Club). After dinner, we went to Punchline, and there I saw an ample set of smiles…and guffaws. Fake smiles? Perhaps… Just what some people needed--distraction. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you…and sometimes it can kick u hard in the teeth…& u have to choose whether to cry or to smile – toothless or not. Last night, we chose to smile… to laugh out loud…and to sing our hearts out in till the crack of dawn. It was 5 o clock and raining when we got out. With tired eyes and smiles fading, we called it a day and stepped into the rain. It was time to cry.

Lonely Hearts Club

Nearly everyday, somebody’s heart is broken… The Lonely Hearts season has come unannounced…unfortunately though, many of my friends are caught off guard. Now I understand why I’m getting invitations to ‘go out and have a beer’ left and right. I wonder if a study has been made on the correlation of alcoholic beverage sales and the number of people getting their hearts broken. I’d bet that it’s directly proportional.

But what is there to a heartbreak? Is it just about the gallon of tears…or the throbbing pain that you feel in your heart? The feeling of loss…regret…emptiness…or perhaps despair? Is it about having to feel your sense of worth plunge into nothingness? Or your insecurities to soar sky-high? Is it just about the darker side of things? Could be. Could be not. For me, a heartbreak reminds me of my humanness. The Goo Goo Dolls were right when they said, "you have to bleed just to know you’re alive." The more you feel pain, the more you feel alive. It makes you recognize your limitations and it reminds you that while there is unconditional love, there's also a need to love one's self…and sometimes that is what we often forget to do--to love ourselves.

Hearts aren't made of glass…and yet they are so fragile. So delicate that even a simple word like goodbye could shatter it to pieces, like a rock thrown at a glass window…So easy to break, and yet so hard to mend. No matter how hard you try to glue back the pieces, you know it wouldn't be as good as new…usually though only the 'heartbreaker' could fix it. So be careful with your hearts…and to the PLAYERS out there, don't go breaking hearts, especially if you have no intentions of fixing it.

on paolo coehlo

Some books are like dreams…poetic verses woven by a story-spinner… Paolo Coehlo is one of them. I’ve only read 2 books, Down by the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept & Eleven Minutes… both beautiful dealing with the subject of life and love. Such a beat down topic, however Coehlo’s simply-worded (yet striking) descriptions takes us inside the heads and the hearts of the characters, allowing us to come face to face with our emotions. Reading his books is like coming out of a dream—a vague and yet familiar dream. I find it awesome how a man could write about the inner depths of a woman with so much truth…

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

ssdd

Just got home. Went to see Star Wars III with Raf. Nice... a bit dragging but it was umm --nice… what do u expect, I’ve never been a fan so no worshiping from me here... anyway, Yoda looks awfully familiar…I think I know somebody who looks like that guy, I can’t remember tho’ …nyahahah. What a cute little fella.

Gawd, I hope there’d be less calls in the morning…A while ago was stressful, and full of $hit… p00p… and f*ck… u get the picture…a lot of people can really be abusive (and stupid) if they want to. I wish they’d get a life (& stop making some decent employee’s life as rotten as hell.)

***

syndrome

at the sight of you
i stutter,
my palms sweat,
my hands shake,
my insides churn,
my eyes water,
my lungs run out of oxygen,
my heart bleeds,
my brain shuts off,

i become really stupid.

you're a disease...and i've caught you

© okemonster

guilt trip

Yesterday, my brother and I sneaked out of the house-- sibling conspiracy executed well! I had to go to my friend’s house to get rid of some nagging alcohol fix… so we slipped out of the house quietly as a cat, flexing some muscles (I had to puuuusssh the car out of the driveway.)

Over several glasses of beer, my friend and I discussed my dilemma-- MOVING OUT. I thought she’d be on my side. Turns out, I was up for a guilt trip.

“Why would u want to move out?”
Because I’m craving for independence.

“You don’t need independence, you’re just 21. You’re so young.”
Does age really matter? Do you have to be 30 to be ‘qualified’ to get out of the house and make a life of your own?

“No. But you should understand that your mom is just concerned…she doesn’t want you messing up…”
Yeah, I understand…and I appreciate it, really… but why can’t she just trust me? Why does she have to think that once I step out of the house I’m bound to make the wrong decisions? I haven’t and I’m not planning to. But if I DID, isn’t that part of learning? Not because somebody did, it would apply to everyone.

“Alright, if you want it that bad, then go ahead. Move out. Don’t think about your mom. It’ll hurt but she’ll understand. Do it for yourself.”

Don’t think about your mom. Ok, I lose. You win. I can’t do it. I can’t disregard my mom’s feelings. Maybe I can, but I’m not gonna sleep well at night. I saw the disappointment on my mom’s face when I told her, and it pains me more knowing I hurt her feelings. Yeah, I’m such a MOMMY’s GIRL.

With other people moving out is no big deal... not to be fussed over and argued upon. I wonder why it's such an issue when it deals with ME. Ho hum.

AARRGGGHH. I STILL WANT TO MOVE OUT.

Yes, im stubborn.

***

I feel like a zombie today. But I’m a smiling zombie.

And I feel like a school girl…………. üüü

: (

I feel bad. My mom’s giving me a cold shoulder. Very very cold. I told her I wanted to move out and move into some dorm near the office. Was that bad? I just wanted to experience living on my own, to take care of myself. Independence. I’m not a teenager anymore. Being at home is turning me into a bum…a fucking lazy bum. I want to understand the word RESPONSIBILITY before I turn into a needy 30-year old mama’s girl.

I feel bad. My mom thinks it’s my way of doing whatever I want without them knowing. True, I can do everything I want. But I’m old enough to know what’s black or white. And I’ve never kept anything from them, especially from her. What if you mess up? How can I mess up when I’m sleeping most of the time? And if I did some crazy things, then I guess I’ll have to learn how to clean the mess myself. Isn't that part of growing up?

I feel bad because I understand her…that she doesn’t want me making the wrong decisions…and I’m much indebted. But I feel so stubborn about this. I have to do it for myself. It’s not like I’m running away from home and I’m definitely not “living-in” with somebody as she puts it. (As if I have somebody now…just so u know, my life’s in mono mom.), I’m simply ‘bed spacing.’

I just wish she’d let me try. : (