sa likod ng maskara

Uupo, mag-iisip ng malalim
Titig sa kawalan.
Pipiliting itago ang mga luhang dumadaloy sa pisngi
Na parang may isang maskarang bumabalot sa hiwaga
Ang hiwaga ng damdamin.

Lilingon at makikita siya
Manghihina, ngunit patuloy na ngingiti...
habang dumadaloy ang mga luha sa pisngi...
habang umaalab ang hiwaga
sa likod ng maskara.

© okemonster

let me whine.

Had a lot of "moments of silence" this week. You know those moments wherein the world seems to go still, and a stream of thoughts gush freely in and out of your brain. Realizations, both simple and profound, stare are your face like a silent companion.... and i saw Unhappiness gaping at me.

By large, I'm not unhappy. Life in general is GOOD. It's my job that's out of place. I've been working in the same company for about a year and 4 months now. And what have I become? A slave. We've all become slaves complete with all the ball and chains (Think AMISTAD: "We want free!").. What's even more frustrating is that the more i want to get ouf of this, the more i find myself staying... probably because it's a cutthroat world out there and it has become convenient enough for me to hang about in this familiar part of the Amazon with the beasts lurking around.

If patience is a virtue, then i'm one virtuous fuck. If there's one thing i got out of this job it would have to be PATIENCE.... patience from all the FREAKS out there thriving on tomfoolery to fill out the void of their everyday futile lives... patience from all the egocentric policies that have been absolutely fault-finding rather than encouraging... patience from THE trigger-happy sentinel, playing the roulette, trying to decide who's next in line to drop dead.

Ahh, what a wonderful lesson to succumb to. Now my world is brighter.... REALLY.

life after a short death

I'm back from the grave.

Been sick for a few days last week, had to dump work and stay home for 2 days.

I'm also ditching those cancer sticks, I was nicotine free from friday till 18:01 of Monday. OK so i had 1 stick, but nothing more till this day. It has been 48 hours. Accoriding to an article, after 48 hours there'd be no more nicotine left in the body, and the sense of taste and smell are greatly improved.

Apparently NOT in my case, cause i still got the virus (can barely distinguish sweet, sour and salty). In fact, I'm even a bit hard of hearing and speech disabled. (TRANSLATION: Ako'y ngongo at bingi)

SO if the article i read was accurate, after 10 years of non-smoking, the risk of me becoming a lung cancer patient is halved. Good deal, but isn't that an awful long time just for risks getting cut in half? Who knows, tomorrow i may get run over by a 10-wheeler that i wouldn't have to worry about lung cancer... OK so much for morbid thoughts.

Well, i haven't been online since I was at sick bay. Not that i didn't have the energy to move a muscle, it's just that...umm... the computer crashed (right after i used it). I guess it got sick of me and my gazillion photos. Alright, I'm a vain, egotistical, and utterly narcissistic camera-whore (thx to T3 for giving me the realization), but does that make me a computer killer?

I heard her heart broke

No one knew that her heart was breaking.
No one else, but me
Because I heard it--
The sound of a heart breaking into tiny little pieces.

It is the sound of a young girl sobbing
As she is curled up on her bed
Like a fetus
That night when she had lost her first love

It is the sound of tears falling
One by one on the stained pillow
Like the rain
Tinkling on the roof.

It is the sound of footsteps
Walking towards the door
As one leaves
Without saying goodbye.

Her heart was breaking indeed
Into tiny little pieces
And I heard it breaking
Inside me

© okemonster

just a bad dream.

At 9:37 am yesterday my world stopped …
and so did my heart.

It has been a while since I came face to face with my mortality. Am I breathing? yes…heart still beating? check. In a literal sense, yes I’m still alive, still part of the population, still a member of the human race. But figuratively, I’m dying…a slow and painful death.

Cause of death: Unknown.

Let’s keep it that way. Nobody has to know.

Not even me.

my love story

I met him 5 years ago at school…introduced by a friend. He was popular, or rather, notorious, yet he was well acquainted with almost everyone.

He didn’t quite make an impression the first time we met. In fact, I disliked him. He wasn’t exactly my taste. I avoided him, but he keeps on popping up every time. He was omnipresent. Someone was always tagging him along. Since there was nothing I could do to avoid him, I learned the art of toleration… and I learned to co-exist.

Then I got very busy with school. Academics and dancing kept me away from him… lost touch for a couple of years.

I never expected that during the dark ages of my-so-called-life our paths would cross again. He was there when I drowned myself in alcohol, pity, and tears… was there when I turned my back on the world, and when I needed to be alone. Misery loves company. I was misery, he was my company.

Even when things brightened up, he held my hand and never let go.

I got used to being with him, I’d take him with me wherever I go. Some of my friends liked him, others did not, especially my parents who were gravely against him.

I didn’t notice his dark side… I didn’t notice that he was somehow messing me up little by little, because I was blind. Then I felt it… being around him too much was choking me…he was messing up with my head, my system.

I wanted out, but I could never give him up…

I am his prisoner.

This is the love story of Malboro Lights and me.

GOTCHA!

Tragic story isn’t it? Yeah. I’ve been giving it some thought for quite a while now… I thought of ditching those cancer sticks 4 months ago....I have been unsuccessful until now. But I’ll try harder.

I’m bleepin’ saving my lungs!!!! [piso para sa baga ni maroi]

after a while

after a while u learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand & chaining a soul

and u learn that love doesn't always mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security

and u begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

and u begin to accept ur defeats
with ur head up & ur eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

and u learn to build all ur roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

after a while u learn that even sunshine burns
if u get too much

so u plan ur own garden & decorate ur own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring u flowers

and u learn that u really can endure
that u really are strong
and u really do have worth
and u learn..
and u learn..

with every good bye..
u learn...

-written by somebody who isn't me.

hmm.

today
i will sneak inside your thoughts
hoping to find
even just a teeny, tiny, little
trace of me...

© okemonster

overlooking

Had a blast last night… : ) we parked on the side of the road overlooking the city, sprawled on the ground & enjoyed the view… fireflies lit up the grassy earth, as the stars lit up the blackened sky.

It was kinda downhill last week, and spending the night up there with my bro and friends was the cure…and oh, some cure it is.… a few pinches and bites (from my vampire friends).… a scratchy throat… a wonderful headache…a few aching muscles.… and a few hours of sleep…

nevertheless, I’m a happy kid. : )

mawkish mode

I was feeling sad last night… for particularly no good reason. I guess there are those days when everyone is sulking around and you can’t help but sulk with them. Yesterday I was feeling tired… tired of my life…tired of watching myself doing the same routine day after day, making me feel so ordinary, so “run of the mill-ish.”

While people get their hearts broken, I watch them cry. While people fall in love, I watch them feel giddy. While people have something going on for them, I watch…listen… and be present. A mere spectator… and it frustrates me. I have dreams, and I just keep dreaming. I feel so stuck. Like being buried underneath the covers at the start of a new day, not wanting to get up with eyelids wrestling to stay awake. I feel so stagnant, like a big puddle of water waiting for the sun to dry it up.

I wonder when would things start happening for me… hell, when would I start making things happen?!

the sun is sure to shine
for you and me, for everyone
so don’t be sad it’s just the start
of a new beginning in your life

rain will keep on pouring
some things you can’t control
and while the sun seems far and hard to hold
it will unfold

there will always be a blue sky
a blue sky waiting tomorrow.

(Blue Sky - Hale)

***

my horoscope says:

Try not to get weighed down by your own emotions today, but make sure you give them the opportunity to have their time in the spotlight. You may find that there is a strong force working to cover up the truth of what you really feel. Make sure you express yourself openly and honestly. At the same time, you don't want to be so over-dramatic that you blow things out of proportion and add more melodrama to the situation.

Haha. Yeah I guess I was overly-dramatic.